I have been reading a lot of novels recently. Mainly because they seem to be more insightful than the yoga books I have been reading. I need to practice though and often we get caught up the information and knowledge that is gained through the artificial media that we forget, or give up on, the real practices that generate knowledge that is more sublime and attained through practicing and not through reading.
Reading a book and writing have certain positives to them. But they are symbols to focus on and soon have to be discarded or released to enter a stream of faith, wonder and mysticism that is persistently awakening , joyous and loving truth.
My first yoga teacher said not to read fiction. This was usually in reference to a discussion on how to practice or cultivate truthfulness “Satya“. At first I thought he was correct since fiction is a fabrication of the truth and as such deluding. But non-fiction is incomplete, as we see from the continuing debate of old theorems, historical accounts, philosophy, ethics and so on. Of course eternal truth is never a best-seller forever and it is in the process of discovery, rethinking, re-inventing that learning and knowledge can be witnessed.
Books are just rectangular solids of thin paper bound together on one side with various markings of ink in some pattern. Not reading fiction then may mean not reading anything without the awareness of the true nature of the object of your reading. A computer screen, a book, a manual, a newspaper, a road sign etc.
How many times have you read a book on spirituality or about the nature of truth or reality and it begins by saying that truth cannot be expressed in words? Or the true path to liberation, freedom , enlightenment is not attained by merely reading a book about it. Quite often this revelation appears in the first few lines or page of such books. Normally after I read it I feel like, “ yeah your right “ and place the book back on the shelf.
Similarly, there are several yoga books authored by many famous and highly regarded teachers that repeatedly emphasize the need to learn from a teacher. And, that yoga cannot be learned through a book or DVD. Then why are they making so many books and DVD’S about yoga? Don’t we have enough already?! Surely with all the books, DVD’s etc. on yoga that are available do we really need someone to write another one? Is it necessary for us to know that a teacher is a good teacher because he/she wrote this or that book or made this DVD?
I want to stop writing in this blog. Recently, I spent 2 weeks wandering around the city after deciding to leave the place I had been in for almost 3 years. To lighten my load I threw out several journals that contained quotes, notes, diary entries, training documentation and short stories, poetry and other creations. I threw them in a BFI bin. I have thrown out many journals over the years. I have been writing since I was fifteen and eventually it occurs that this writing, the process of writing at least… is… the act in itself reveals ….
Oh, I forgot!…
… I also had compiled a book of the whole Yoga Sutras with each separate Sanskrit word written underneath with defn’s based on several interpretations and commentaries (mostly modern) that I read and re-read over last 4-5 years. I was hoping that this could be the only book I needed to carry around with me and I still feel somewhat it is really all I need. Certainly not this big clunky, dusty laptop.
Unfortunately, it is not what other people need. Other people need certificates, resumes, posters, proposal applications, insurance forms..
proof, proof, proof
that I was, am and will be a teacher.
Proof that my passion is here in yoga;
that I am attached to it;
that I am dependent on it;
that I am manipulated by its excess;
its lack;
its exclusion;
it’s presence
and
can be rescued through my attraction to its form
or
cast down by my thirst for its illusion.
OK. let’s say I’m not a teacher,
but neither are any of the people who have shared their information with me either. I mean there is a teacher. There is an ideal of a teacher. Strong, sure, graceful, loving, understanding, clear, true, friendly, indifferent, honest, sensitive, powerful, compassionate, respectful, inspiring, present, all-knowing, nurturing, motivating, healing and many other qualities. I always tell those who attend my classes that the breath is the teacher, at least for the duration of the class. More importantly it is the attentiveness of the practitioner to his or her own self-discovery that creates learning. The teacher’s words, directions and comments are guidelines based on their own practice and are limited by the dualism of language which can’t expres intuitive awareness.
I didn’t say the practice was going to make you immortal. I didn’t say you wouldn’t feel pain. I did say that I believed it to be a pathway to healing. I said follow and trust your breath and use that as a guide as to how much you should do in the practice. If you do the practice then you get results from how you do it.
So forget my students then and me as teacher…
me…
Where am I?
Happy. Excited. Inspired. Devoted. Obsessed Confused. Angry. Depressed. Same as most people … A little sure of how I feel but frustrated at the lack of attention I get or more so the lack of direct honest response I get from people. Same as most people….
Wondering….
Am I direct and honest with people? Can people rely on me?
Why do I always reverse the judgements I express about others back onto me?
Is anything going to be perfect? It is perfect for God…
Oh… GOD?!
Yeah cause God knows everything and is the seed of all knowledge.
PYS 1.25 Tatra niratishayam sarvagjnabhijam.
Is that why people don’t like “God” or don’t believe there is a God or in God because if there was then they would be happy and not suffer as if that was a condition on who God is. As if God were responsible for my or your happiness.
I do find things in my readings that resonate with me. Recently the best example of this is from:
the Numerical Discourses of the Buddha.
The “Upajjhtthana Sutta”
“The discourse of the five contemplations for everyone.”
- I am sure to grow old
- I am sure to become ill
- I am sure to die
- I am sure to be separated from all that is dear to me
- I am the owner of my actions, heir of my actions, actions are the source from which I am now present.
I feel my body sometimes in its form. The toes, the legs, ankles, knees, and thighs. The hips and pelvis. The places where my intestines and organs may be. The chest and ribs and lungs and the asymmetry of my lungs and off-centred heart. The neck and inside of my skull, tongue and mouth while lying and breathing. Sometimes the consciousness of this breaks away from the reoccurring thoughts and recollections of others whose voices, faces, names and forms re-appear and disappear like the images of passing clouds or swells of traffic.
Here you are Andrew. The choices that you have made in your life have brought you to this place.
what about your faith?
Your faith in some pure consciousness or god that will help you. That is always there for you to touch and know and seek refuge in. I like God. I believe in God. I think God is as real as any thing. I believe that God is not only all-knowing but is all loving too. That God loves me if I let God in to my heart and wait for God to appear to me.
Yes, that’s it. I just have to wait for God to appear to me. To feel God’s love for me.
How can I know what God is like? Do I know what god feels like in me? If God is love then have I had any experiences in my own life where I have felt this love?
I saw a dog attack a crow in the field at a park and injure it’s wing. The dog’s owner tried to get the dog to stop but not after the crow had its right wing injured. I tried to go after it, but it limped off and after returning to get my bags it had disappeared. I called some local agencies to see what I could do but I couldn’t find it anywhere…
I know I have felt pain or worry or a sense of compassion for others sometimes. Especially when I see them in pain. Recently the crow being attacked. When I see some birds or other animals around me I stop to talk or just be in their presence because they are so small and beautiful. I feel some sort of love for them but I wonder is this maybe some misguided innocent fascination? How about with humans? Less rarely but still sometimes, I stop and talk with humans or sometimes just hang out in their presence because we are so small and beautiful.
Feeling pain in the presence of other’s suffering or feeling pain at some loss in one’s life… is this a sign of the presence of love or the ability to love and feel love? Certainly, I have felt the pain of loss at not being able to see or talk with my daughter.
How many times have I cried while feeling some painful or loving compassionate connection to my father’s pain or understanding my mother’s pain or the pain of others whose suffering is familiar to me? This understanding comes to me through he practices I do daily; through self-examination or meditation.
Sometimes I lament and complain and have even complained to God, “why me?!”.
Or…. “Please god give me a break…” But this means I am not with God . I guess I expect God to be always there following me but if God is all knowing and all powerful etc. then shouldn’t I be the one that should be following and with God always.
God is just a word for me that is a sign post along the path to understanding. It is something I focus on and work on developing like a gardener develops a plot and plants or how artists mold clay pots or a carpenter builds a house or parents raise a child.
I know everyone has an idea, more or less developed, about who or what God is or isn’t
or
nether is nor isn’t
or
is and isn’t…. and so on.
I could easily just as well focus on a Clay pot for this search for truth.
Brihad-Aranyaka Upanishad Fifth Adhyaya 1st Brahmana
“Om!
The yon is fulness; fulness, this.
From fulness, fulness doth proceed.
Withdrawing fulness’s fulness off,
E’en fulness then itself remains.”
Om purnam adah purnam idam
Purnat purnam udachyate
Purnasya purnam aadaaya
Purnam eva avishishyate
Om shanti shanti shanti
I can’t seem to find it anywhere but I do remember imagery of the pieces of a clay pot being used to describe the notions of non-difference and difference. Like a piece of a hologram that has all the information of the whole picture were we able to examine it that closely.
the pieces of clay pot being made of the same materials as the whole clay pot itself.
The usefulness of the whole clay pot is in the empty space it creates to carry, store, receive, contain etc.
Without the material and the effort of the potter there would of course be no space.
Sometimes we’re Humpty Dumpty. Sometimes we’re the royal subjects that help. Sometimes were the horse or clouds in the sky that day or tree and birds near-by. Indifferent observer, ignorant passer-by, transcendent spirit or concerned loyal yet unable friend.
Some days when this clay pot piece of mine refuses to submit to this haste of will, I approach Jeremiah with intention to destroy the beauty I’ve molded from previous practice.
… despite a sheen of holographic glaze
….the fire latent interferes the wInd
“Forget it! …then I can’t bend .. friend… not your foe..
“Forget it!… “I’m through with trying to shape you… you weaken in descent and crack in furious ascendance
Only the warm wind can blend the sand and water earth and fire
into this still-life
with fruit